I'm sorry if I'm gonna write nothing but darkness and sobs here. I just don't know how to handle this right now. I'm crushed and I don't know how to get up. I couldn't believe I end up shaking and my lips are trmebling, hugging myself trying to pull back my tears. I guess no one would ever understand my pain of wanting so much to hug someone so tight and yet you're trying to push that thought away, that thought that she might be holding and cuddling someone else. The pain of the thought that you used to be that someone. I wish I could shout this out loud enough to make her hear me. She's already pushing me away like a total stranger stalking.

I wish I was somebody else right now. I really don't wanna be in this state. I am drowning and I needed to be saved. I don't wanna wake up cause each day is always another day of survival. This is just too much to bear. The pain is consuming. It is eating me whole. I don't wanna be like this. I need reasons to live. I wanna be convinced that it's better to live than to die. Cause right now I don't wanna live. I don't wanna live like this.

I still can't believe it after 2 days of not being able to sleep, I still don't feel sleepy. I tried closing my eyes on my way to school but my thoughts are still super hyper. If i'm going to shout out what I really feel right now, you would read nothing but curses and pain. I couldn't really put it into words, I don't really understand it. Somehow I'd like to say I feel numb after everything but I could really feel every bit of pain, every ounce of it. I feel so horrible and my wrist is aching. To those who really care and would be able to read this, I'm sorry. I slashed my wrist 26 times. Actually I've done the first 21 the other night. I'm really hoping I would die, only to find out that I'm still alive the next day. And then what? A change in her relationship status to "in a relationship". I really felt my blood rushing up. I felt my cheeks hot. I was shaking. In times like this, I really don't know how to calm myself. Since the first cuts wasn't that deep maybe because of the razor I used. I bought a new one. This time the cut was deeper and there are a lot more blood. But then it stopped. I was able to access free wifi from our neighbor so I researched about it and then I found out how and where to do it. Then I slashed my wrist again this time in a lateral position aiming for the artery. More blood. But still it stopped until I felt the pain and I've gone tired doing it over and over again. I feel so pathetic. I need help.

The hardest was when somebody who meant everything to you, suddenly gave up on you. You can't look back because of too much pain and you don't have enough strength to take a step forward. You can't just move on no matter how hard you try, you're stuck. And you've got no choice but to give up on yourself.

BTW, i deactivated my Facebook account. Bitter much.