I wish I was somebody else right now. I really don't wanna be in this state. I am drowning and I needed to be saved. I don't wanna wake up cause each day is always another day of survival. This is just too much to bear. The pain is consuming. It is eating me whole. I don't wanna be like this. I need reasons to live. I wanna be convinced that it's better to live than to die. Cause right now I don't wanna live. I don't wanna live like this.

I still can't believe it after 2 days of not being able to sleep, I still don't feel sleepy. I tried closing my eyes on my way to school but my thoughts are still super hyper. If i'm going to shout out what I really feel right now, you would read nothing but curses and pain. I couldn't really put it into words, I don't really understand it. Somehow I'd like to say I feel numb after everything but I could really feel every bit of pain, every ounce of it. I feel so horrible and my wrist is aching. To those who really care and would be able to read this, I'm sorry. I slashed my wrist 26 times. Actually I've done the first 21 the other night. I'm really hoping I would die, only to find out that I'm still alive the next day. And then what? A change in her relationship status to "in a relationship". I really felt my blood rushing up. I felt my cheeks hot. I was shaking. In times like this, I really don't know how to calm myself. Since the first cuts wasn't that deep maybe because of the razor I used. I bought a new one. This time the cut was deeper and there are a lot more blood. But then it stopped. I was able to access free wifi from our neighbor so I researched about it and then I found out how and where to do it. Then I slashed my wrist again this time in a lateral position aiming for the artery. More blood. But still it stopped until I felt the pain and I've gone tired doing it over and over again. I feel so pathetic. I need help.

The hardest was when somebody who meant everything to you, suddenly gave up on you. You can't look back because of too much pain and you don't have enough strength to take a step forward. You can't just move on no matter how hard you try, you're stuck. And you've got no choice but to give up on yourself.

BTW, i deactivated my Facebook account. Bitter much.

This needs an arrangement. This is how my thought goes every second. Whatever pops out on my mind I’m going to write it here. I just needed to spill it out or else I’ll end up jumping off on a 7th floor building. So forgive me if its not in order.

I wish I’d never wake up. I just got used to waking up beside you and every time I open my eyes and you’re not there, felt like my heart is stabbed a million times. If I could just put into words how painful it is. We’ve been together for two years and now it’s over… Tell me now, how am I suppose to live with it? We share the same cup of coffee every morning. I can’t even stare at my coffee cup now. And every where I go, every where I look, things around me reminds me of you. Cause we’ve been to all places together. I got memories of you every where. I have been crying since that day I left. And now I feel so lost. It doesn’t feel like home anywhere. Even if I’m with them, my family… I don’t feel at home. Anywhere WITH YOU is my home. I don’t miss one second of thinking what you have been doing. I ‘d like to ask you one question, how we’re you able to forget about me just like that? I wanted so much to go to you today and have lunch with you just like what we always do but I just have to stop myself from doing that since I know you you’re not gonna show up if you knew I’m outside waiting for you. I miss you so much. It’s wrapping me like a cold wind, it makes me shiver. I needed to know what you’re thinking. I needed to know if we’re gonna be fine. I needed to know if you still love me, and what makes my heart hopeful is that you never said you don’t love me anymore but you never said you love me either. I wish I could do something to make myself feel better. BUT EVERYDAY it becomes worst. I felt like dying slowly. Oh God I wish you could kill me instead. I’m not that strong enough for this pain. It’s just unbearable. If I could have one last chance, I’ll do anything to make this work. Just give me one last chance to make it up to you. Whatever it takes, I’ll keep us together.

I have to end this. Or I’m gonna make this cafe flooded with tears.

till next random thoughts about you!!!!!

Watching us fade, what can I do? But try to make it through the pain of one more day.. WITHOUT YOU.

Now here it comes the hardest part of all. Unchain my heart that’s holding on… How do I start to live my life alone?Guess I’m just learning the art of letting go.

-The Art of Letting Go. Mikaela

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours."
-- Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"

I started my blog with a quote. Because this had been the only thing that kept me from believing everything's gonna be alright.

Well! YEEPEEH!!! Back to school na ako bukas. Just when I thought I should give up.This was the best thing that happened to me this week. Thank God!

I just said I'm gonna be blogging something meaningful but I just can't think of any. So I'm just gonna blab and blab anything and everything on my mind right now. Sa sobrang gulo di ko alam kung ano uunahin. Naisip kong para mas madali, I'll be starting every statement with "Happy ako kasi..."

Here it goes.

1. Happy ako kasi okay naman ang pag-uusap namin ng Papa ko ngayon. In good mood siya. Yun
2. Happy ako kasi nakapag tumblr at naka pag blog na naman ako. I just miss my fave hobby. Wala kasing internet sa bahay nila tatheart kaya ayun, DIET ako.
3. Happy ako kasi I woke up with a kiss kanina. =)
4. Happy ako kasi hindi na evict si Jason. Makikita ko pa siya sa PBB house. yipee.!
5. Happy ako ng BONGGANG BONGGA dahil iiskool na ako! Yey.

Ayun lang.