Everybody's Sunshine

Joshua 1:6-9

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.

⁷ “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. ⁸ Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. ⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

...Ang unique lang ng title no? Walang katulad. Haha

Actually, the day before my birthday, I got a little depressed, which I never expected to happen. Kung may such term as birthday jitters, yun na yun. Life indeed is a roller coaster ride. Kanina lang, things were so clear, my road were so bright tapos biglang dumilim. Di ko alam san pupunta. I thought, bukas, birthday ko na. Hindi ko alam pano icecelebrate kasi may mga bagay pang dapat unahin. I was keeping my phone off and my facebook deactivated kasi I don't wanna be bothered.

Then suddenly I thought, why should I worry? If I trust God then why should I? So I decided to talk to Him alone. I owe Him an apology. At that moment, I told him to take my life and the rest of my years. I asked Him to take the wheel and drive. I cried asking for His presence and I was comforted.

On my birthday, God showed me how He loves me so much. I had my doubts, hindi sa Kanya kundi sa sarili ko. Baka meron pakong ginagawang mali. Something that doesn't please Him. But then when my BCIF family surprised me that morning, i felt so loved.

Morning Birthday Harana.

Talagang I was surprised kasi I was told that the rest forgot about my birthday. Tsaka knowing na malayo pa yung sa kanila, I never expected it. Yun pala they were already preparing something for me that time. They woke me up with their harana.Touched ako sa song na ni ready nila for me.. Di ko mahanap yung lyrics ng song but it was nice. Napaiyak nila ako. Each of them even gave me their wishes and greetings after their songs. Nakakaoverwhelm talaga.

Of course, God didn't forget my little selfish desire. He loves me that much that He let it happen. Though we're not supposed to text each other, napangiti ako when this special someone sent me his greeting through text message. Dalawang beses pa.Well, kasi naman God has searched my heart and He knows He will be my one and only. =)

Chuy. Me. Achi.

Super thankful din ako with my special friends na nag-effort na tumawag to greet me at pasayahin ang boring kong birthday. Yun nga lang eh ako pa ang pinakanta imbes na siya kumanta for me. But then, she made my day. Maybe she does or maybe she doesnt know about it, but she is special. Thanks Chuy.
And to Achi, know what? For those who knew our connection, iisipin baliw tayo dalawa. Haha. Awkward man, but thank you so much for being so kind. You are so sweet. Thanks so much for not giving up on me. For not listening to those negative things about me. Thanks for the gifts and sa call and sa greetings. =)))

My Li'l Birthday Celebration.

That night was my best birthday ever. Friends came over to celebrate it with me. Angel got me a cake and that night kahit lima lang kami, it was soooo fun!!! They made my birthday so memorable. They gave me their wishes too. I was staying at my friends kasi that time so Papa told me to come home too cause they are also celebrating my birthday. Konteng handaan lang din, gusto ko man pero anlakas lang din talaga ng ulan non. But still, I am so thankful that God provided. Eh di ako na ang may dalawang simultaneous celebration. =)

My day ended well, no.. better...way way better. Actually, it was the BEST. It's His way of saying I've done favor in His eyes.

I AM LOVED.

Thank you Papa Jesus!!!!

Happy 24th Birthday to me. =)))

LOVE. Love. love.

May my God give me wisdom. =)))

Happy ako, in a way, that I can easily express my thoughts and put it into words. They say it's a talent.. but I say it's guts. Then He say, it's a gift. Since it's a gift then I should make something out of it.

For those who knew me well, who have been with me from the time being.. Yung mga taong laging updated sa mga posts ko, yung mga taong apektado sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko... You would surely see the difference. And I don't wanna go on in silence cause I have the feeling that I am obliged to explain what happened to my life lately. Not because feeling popular ako, but because maybe, just maybe, what happened to me might happen to you too.

This is my own testimony.

I grew up getting everything I wanted and since then, i developed THE attitude. The Bratinella attitude, the kulang-sa-pansin attitude, miss immature, miss spoiled.. name it. I was even tagged as a psycho. Ayoko nang gawing detalyado kung pano ako lumaki.. dahil pang Maala-ala Mo Kaya ang drama. I just wanna tell how I turned out to be. The prodigal daughter.

I also grew up going to church every sundays, yung tipong champion sa Bible Drill pag sunday school. And nobody thought I'd be like this.

Di ko din alam kung pano nangyari. Ang alam ko lang, I woke up one day not knowing what to do... I had my own share of rejection stories. I had the hardest time when my ex boyfriend broke up with me after a month of dating. He just fell out of love. I didn't know where the courage came from when I decided to cut myself. I got used to it ever since. Acceptance was the word I can't chew. And letting go was unbearable for me those days. By the time I was forced to analyze and understand myself, I came up with a one word conclusion "self-centered". That's me. I only care about me. Always me. Only me.

I always follow my heart. I always take a step forward. Dangerous or safe. That includes always getting myself hurt. Whether I do it or they do it. Being selfless and selfish..both at the same time. How? Doing everything for someone only to find out in the end that its not really for them but it is to satisfy myself.

Then one day, I don't know why... but it just happened. She just happened. Di ko din alam kung anong klaseng pagmamahal yun. But in those days I really am convinced that I love them. Until now. Alam kong minahal ko sila. Oo. Sila. Three lesbian relationships. I know it is irrational for some. Guess I've never been sane.

Just to summarize my life story... I turned out to be a helpless case. The rebellious daughter you would never dream of having. I cut myself all the time. I ran away from home not only once or twice. I had relationships that the society disagrees. I dropped college 5 times. I am a total mess. The only thing I never got into was drugs.

Then... He came and rescued me again. He called me... this time I listened.

And I had my own turning point. These last few months, I consider it my darkest days. Or maybe not. I don't know. Basta mahirap. Sobrang hirap. Things were taken away from me. Like almost everything. And no one to talk to. Hindi sa talagang wala.. pero may mga taong gusto kang kausapin, ayaw mong kausap... at yung gusto mo namang kausap, ayaw ka namang pakinggan. Then He led me home. To my family. I really don't wanna go home, I don't want them to know what happened to me, but God left me no choice. I confided and found comfort in them.

I just broke up with my last girlfriend a month ago. Earlier reasons were because things got pretty messed up between me and her. Unbearable. Hindi na naging masaya. Nagmature lang ng konti to realize that the relationship is again ruining me. So I told myself, before that happens, I should let go. Twas never easy. I tried diverting my attention to some other guy. It didn't work.

Then I grew tired of being miss little messed up.

Let Go and Let God.

While at home, my sister keeps telling me to let go and let God and everything else will follow. At first, I don't wanna listen. I remained blind and deaf. I know the Truth but there's something I don't wanna let go yet and that was my love for my girlfriend. That's why I don't wanna attend church every Sundays because I don't wanna be a hypocrite. At ayoko ng pinpilit. Just then, I heard my cue one Wednesday evening. Me and my sister had a serious talk. Di ko na namalayan, umiiyak na pala ako sa kanya and I told her everything. My pain and my burden.And it was like He was there too, by my side listening. I ended up telling my sister that I am letting go. I just realized that maybe God wants me to just let go and trust Him. I don't know how it came to me, I just suddenly had the urge of giving it all to Him. I am even amazed how firm my decision was. That's how my real Life started.

I started going back to church on Sundays. The thirst I felt for Him was so overwhelming I couldn't even contain. When I surrendered everything to Him, I was changed. I was comforted. And I felt happy.

Everything else did follow. Since I grew up in a christian community, I know what's the responsibility in joining the music team of the church. But at that time I am so much willing to take the responsibilty. All I know is that I wanna be used by Him. Sa kahit na anong paraan. I wanna serve Him.

IT DOESNT END HERE...
till next blog. hindi na ulit gumagana utak ko ehhh.. but yeah, may kasunod pa'to.

I am decluttering and I just bumped into this when I looked into the hidden files on Documents. This doesn't mean I am in this state. I just wanna share this to everyone. Especially to those who are having a hard time moving on. I wrote this 22 days after my ex broke up with me. This might help you a bit..=))))

January 2, 2010

3:53pm

Day 22

It’s the 22nd day sweetheart. I will be talking about what I have realized today. It’s 2010. I haven’t made my resolution yet. It’s not really every year I am making a resolution. I guess I am just not the kind of person who makes resolutions. I’m the typical unorganized person who’s life is about to go to waste.

It’s the same old day, I woke up and realized I’m not gonna be waking up with you again. And I guess I have to get used to it. 2 years isn’t a joke. These are my darkest days and I am thinking if only I could just cut the 2 years of my life with you and just delete it forever, I would. But I just can’t. In real world there’s no backspace, cut, and shift delete. What you have in reality is a book and chapters of life. What I have with you is a chapter of laughter and tears. But as it ended laughter was forgotten. All that’s left is pain. I couldn’t laugh…even if those were happy memories, just the thought of it hurts. It is painful because I know somehow it won’t happen again. That’s one of the things I have to accept. I have to accept that I’m never gonna have that wake up kiss again. Even though it happened very rarely but at least I have it once in a while, now I won’t be having it. I have to accept that things will never be the same again. You said I should be mature enough to understand that, well for me, this isn’t about maturity. I thought about the relationship we had, it’s not just about me, I think. We both didn’t grew up. Anyway, what’s the sense of this, this won’t change anything. You’re gone and I just have to learn to accept that. I should live with it. It’s time to close your chapter of my life. I know it’s too early to say I’ve moved on but at least now I could say I’m willing to take a step. I don’t know when I will be able to show that genuine smile again. I don’t know when will I be able to laugh but I am looking forward to it sooner. I wont stop myself from crying, I’m gonna feel the pain, but I’ll face everything with courage. I have to face every little thing that reminds me of you with strength. It’s not gonna be easy, but I hope I can make it. I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna make it through. Someday it’s gonna make sense. I’m not gonna stop myself from loving you. I’m just gonna wait for the time that I’d be able to say goodbye without pain in my heart. I’ll never know when I’m gonna be whole again but I will. I LOVE YOU

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Well, obviously I moved on. I am in a happy relationship right now for a year and a month. Well, this was my first step.... Eventually, you'll get over you just have to be willing to get over.

Have a happy heart. =)))))))

Joshua 1:6-9

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